4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
