Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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