You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
