apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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