Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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