when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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