I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
