I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
