hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
