I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
