What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
