$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
