i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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