I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
