I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
