my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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