And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
