I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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