Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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