enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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