Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
