I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
