soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
