call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
