My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
