mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
