Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
