where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
