I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
