I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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