My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
