Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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