Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
