i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pooping to opera.
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