You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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