I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Randomize
