are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
