i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
