we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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