I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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