yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
