a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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