i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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