Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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