Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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