Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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