I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Bring me that man meat
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
