I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
