I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
