Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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