I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
